Get Curious About How You React

Hey friends!

You are in for a treat today because I’m sharing with you a personal story, and this one is a little bit different because I’m sharing about a time when I didn’t have the best attitude, or response to a situation BUT I did learn from it, and the important thing. A few weeks ago in episode 11, I shared a story from our trip to Gatlinburg, and how I made a choice to pivot my attitude and not let it ruin the rest of my night or the rest of my trip. But with the story I’m going to share today it took me a little longer.

I love stories because we can learn so much through them; it helps give practical application to the principles we’re learning about. And people remember stories. It’s why Jesus spoke in parables, aka stories, because it was easier for people to remember and easier for them to understand. 

My story for today is actually about an argument that my husband Phil and I had a few months ago. And first I’m just going to tell the story and then I’m going to share some principles and lessons that I learned because of this. 

Here’s the thing, if you can start getting curious about your mistakes instead of just getting frustrated,  you will start learning more and you will have the ability to prevent repeating the same mistakes over and over again because you have more clarity around the situation. 

So a few months ago Phil’s parents were in town visiting and we had decided to go on a date night. It wasn’t one of our regular scheduled nights but because his parents were in town we figured we would take advantage of that and go out. Plus the kids are so different with my parents and his parents when we aren’t around so it’s a win-win for everyone because Phil and I get more time together and the kids get special time with their grandparents. But on this particular day, Hunter was struggling. He was teething and super clingy and just off all day. We had decided earlier before Hunter was all clingy that we would go on this date. And so as it got closer to when we should leave I got dressed as I was doing my hair and make-up, and then Phil asked me a question and it all went downhill from there. He said, “Are you sure you want to go tonight, or would it be better to stay home because of how Hunter’s feeling?”

Well this of course instantly triggered my mom guilt, because I was already kinda feeling bad but had decided I really wanted to go on this date because I hadn’t had a break all day, I was feeling drained from Hunter and a date would be just the thing I needed to refresh. 

So instead of sharing my reasons for wanting to go and just communicating, I said well fine then we won’t go. And Phil just said okay and didn’t push back so then I was mad at him for not fighting for our date night. 

And as he tried to explain himself all I heard in my head was – you can’t go out tonight you have to stay here with Hunter. You’re a bad mom if we go. Of course, he didn’t actually any of those things but I accused him of saying I wasn’t allowed to leave Hunter. 

He even went on to clarify again but I was already annoyed and was throwing a pity party for myself. As it got closer to the time we should have left Phil’s parents were wondering we were still there, and I said once again in an annoying voice, Phil said I can’t go tonight because Hunter’s so cranky. 

And of course, that just set him off. Because he already clarified multiple times that’s not what he actually said but I wouldn’t let it go and now I was making a scene in front of his parents, in front of the kids. And being disrespected like that in front of other people is his biggest pet peeve. Long story short we did end up going on our date but I huffed and puffed most of the drive until finally I stopped acting like a child and we were able to have a real conversation where I expressed to him what I was thinking and feeling and what was really going on. 

When you have a situation like that or an argument or something 

1. Why was I so triggered by this? You have to do some introspective work around it. Because if you don’t at some point your spouse or friend or whoever is probably going to make a similar comment, or do a similar action that set you off in the first place. And because you didn’t deal with it the first time around it’s going to keep repeating itself. 
   1. So for me, I was so triggered because of mom’s guilt. And by him questioning if we should go on a date that night, made me feel like he was questioning my parenting, my love for my kids, all the dramatic things, blah blah. This is not what he was doing but our perception can make us think that. 
   2. Perception is not reality,  Perception acts as a lens through which we view reality. We can completely misinterpret what someone is saying to us because of the lens through which we view ourselves. And that’s why it’s so important to work on yourself because it affects everything. It affects conversations, relationships, your job
   3. I didn’t handle it the right way, I didn’t communicate clearly, I let my emotions and the mom guilt take over. And I am responsible for that. It’s way easier to just blame somebody else when they’ve said something that offended us instead of doing our part and taking a deeper look as to why we had that reaction.
2. The second question to ask yourself if How can we prevent this same argument or same issue in the future?
   1. And so later on that evening, I shared with Phil that if I’m in the process of getting ready for a date, please don’t ever question if we should go or not. It will just trigger my mom guilt and put me in a bad mood. Bc I’ve already made up my mind that I’m committed to going out if I’m getting ready. We go on weekly date nights and we haven’t had an issue since 

So this week I want you to get curious about yourself… instead of judging yourself or comparing yourself to others simply get curious. When you lose your patience or say something you wished you didn’t, instead of spirling out in frustration with yourself, pause and get curious about the situation. Take a few steps back and see what led to that particular instance and why you may have responded that way. Then you can learn new ways to prevent that incident from happening again because you have a better understanding of yourself. Because remember friends, the one thing you can control is yourself!!